| broken promise |
[Jun. 28th, 2008|10:19 pm] |
that car that drove away
probably saved my life
but that won't make it easier
all the guilt and strife
The door slammed in my face that day
just a little girl
no hope or promise
as I saw Stacy start to pray
I knew that I was a woman now
I probably already was
that mother fucker took my pride
my heart and my cause
I wither on the vine
running from the snakes
as I watch my sister die now
my whole heart aches
what have I become
can she still hear my voice
I wonder what she'd think of me
if she had the choice
I try to let it bleed it out
it's the least I could do
the horrific idea
it should have been me not you
after all these years
I still yearn for you
it seems like yesterday
I last hugged you....
I still wither on the vine for you.
Johnna
for Stacy
June 28, 2008 |
|
|
| what it is |
[Jun. 28th, 2008|05:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "The Practice" ~Cammi Ward | ] |
what it is...
Solice on Ice~
drifting into my safe place
it's where I love to go
my energy is creative
where otherwise unknown
clutching my fist to save face
razors or shame
I struggle with the obvious
yes he is to blame
Scratches on the surface
my bones scream with relief
you got lucky today
I could numb out the grief
trees die and then revive
branches thriving in the rain
I'd like to be like that
instead of in these chains
where do the years go
as my skin starts to crack
I've lost my identity
as my soul turns to black
she said it best
"no telling what I might find"
while singing to me
a "bliss of another kind"
Its a big, big world
I wonder where we could go
when I wind up with the stars
I'll let you know
so I'll keep to myself
in my little universe
hey you cant complain
at least it's not a hearse
Johnna
June 28, 2008 |
|
|
| mundane brain |
[Jun. 28th, 2008|11:11 am] |
My mind is on overload. I am exhausted from thinking about things. I have had 3 hours of sleep in 2 days. I can't keep going like this. I just want to be left alone.
Actually, I just feel like going to bed and never getting up. Maybe, I'll do just that.
I'm going to take a couple Trazadone's. If they don't work I am screwed.
Everything has changed in the last 2 days. I don't like change. |
|
|
| minimal puncuation because I suck at it |
[Jun. 25th, 2008|07:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ani Difranco | ] |
I wrote this last night but wasn't able to post it til now.
It's 10:44 pm. That's like noon to me. I have been sitting here wondering what I'm going to do all night. Hopefully sleep but that probably won't happen.
I need a laptop. No, way bad. Zen is way stingy with his and my computer is in the bedroom. Chris has to go to bed by 10:00 pm (he gets up at 4:30 in the morning).
I could easily buy one but then I would have to listen to Chris tell me how unnecessary it would be and I should just come to bed and find more productive things to do with my free time. Thanks dad....
I feel claustrophobic laying there just staring in the dark. Lately during the week I have just stayed up all night on the love seat writing and listening to music as well as watching really ate up shows about brutal crimes and shit.
Ok now it is 2:30am Zen left earlier to stay the night at his friends house and since they were using his camcorder he told me I could borrow his laptop for the night. It was really nice of him but it took me an hour to figure it out.
Minimal sleep=weird shit. Even less sleep=even weirder shit.
So what's a girl to do? Go downstairs and start writing and thinking way to much. It's at the point now that my fingers are screaming for mercy when the sun is coming up. I feel somewhat apprehensive blogging my thoughts and feelings but it's way to easy to scratch it out on paper.
As far as my book goes I am having serious writers block. It really sucks because I just sit there constantly thinking mundane thoughts that sooner or later become my best friends. Raw emotion is real. You can't find that on your second try. I only write when I am truly inspired. If I go back and change it. It's gone. What you originally thought and felt never graces the pages.
I have several Vincent van Gogh pictures but lately I have found myself extremley fascinated by one in particular. It's called "Church at Auvers"1890. I feel drawn to it for some reason. Sometimes I look at it so much I think that I can see what's behind the windows. As the woman in the picture is walking up the hill I always wonder what her fate is. I'm not so sure I want to know.
In a lot of ways I feel that this painting is my refuge. I can make it anything I want it to be and of course if I don't like it I can always hide inside. A sort of hide and seek with yourself per say.
Sometimes I like being sleep deprived. It opens my eyes and ears to things I may not have noticed otherwise. Music is so much more alive....
I wonder sometimes if I am having hallucinations about certain things. Either way it's comforting. They are my visions and no one else's. This is what I consider my "free time"
A friend of 8 years told me the other day that I am "bazaar." I asked him what bazaar meant to him. He told me I was "just way out there." He then corrected himself and said "No your a fucking lunatic!" "Your mind is just warped. done. period." He walked away and deleted me from his life. He left crying and I still have no idea why he exploded on me. I'd like to laugh it off but what if that is really what people think about me. I mean I do put myself out there in a very candid way which leaves me in an extremely vulnerable position. Sometimes when I go back and read things I have posted I'm like WTF what was I thinking but I know I cant erase what people may have already read. Deleting them at this point is pointless but it leaves me feeling brave in a very minute way. It's hard to describe.
I may make some of my posts "private." Not that anyone reads this shit and the ones that do are thinking "cry me a fucking river cause my strings are toast."
But for me this is life or something like it.
I'm going to check out what van Gogh's thought process was while painting this
About the The Church at Auvers Painting
Vincent van Gogh painted the church in Auvers
during the last year of his life.
The artist was struggling with mental illness
and emotional problems. Rather than the
church looking like a place of refuge and solace,
Vincent has showed it as a place of impending doom and gloom.
Wow! That is nuts. He mentioned the word "refuge."
That's crazy because so did I.
Obviously our idea of refuge are opposite.
He doesn't find the painting as one. I do.
I swear I never read that ever before.
hmmmm. very interesting.
Sometimes I'm just spinning around
what happened to the solace
the comfort that kept me bound
in this bitter world as I know it
~Johnna
excerpt from one of my songs........ |
|
|
| all whiney bitches need love too. |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|09:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | nowhere | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | like shit | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | aperfectcircle | ] |
Well, today really sucked. I haven't been able to sleep at all lately. It's catching up with me. I have the energy of a 90 year old cow. When I do sleep (for maybe an hour here and there) I find myself dreaming about the same person all the time. I have a habit of dreaming about something I have thought about right before I go to sleep. It's not as cool as you think it might be, sometimes it's hard to tell if you are really awake when you think you are. It's kind of like an abyss, I don't know if it ever really ends. What's weird is that this person is constanly on my mind, but I don't really know him/her. I usually get a vibe about someone, but this is sort of a mystery to me.
My medications work for shit. How many years can a person be on this shit until they decide your probably fucked up for life? I am sick of the constant changes.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'll be the first one to admit that I have a wonderful family. I can't express to you how much my friends mean to me, and of course all my fury things that love me unconditionally. From all aspects looking in, I've got it pretty good.
To you maybe, but not to me.
I am a complete facade. "Smile, and put on a pretty face." Doing that all the time is exhausting, and it makes me feel disgusting. Why do people think I am such an open book when they don't even know me at all? Some words of advice "always remember that most of the time people only let you see what they "want" you to see". That obviously pertains to me. I have been fighting/hiding a lot of stuff for a long time that is now coming to the surface.
I have spent over half my life trying to understand who I am, and what is my purpose (besides being a mommy to Zen).
I'm not just a drama queen, spoiled brat like most people think I am. Most of my friends think they know my life story, but they don't. That's because that is what I am hidding from. Fear makes for a great smoke screen.
I don't know why after 30 some odd years I even care.....
I need someone to talk to. No, I mean really talk to (besides some quack). People just don't get it anymore. Most of my friends are "normal," if you will. Sure, I have lots of friends that I love and trust, but I want someone who doesn't really know me to talk to without judgement. I want someone who can really relate to how I feel. I guess, I need someone who feels as desperate, and alone as I do.
Pretty sick shit if you ask me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I know you are out there.
I need you......
Bond of Union ~M.C. Escher 1956
I'm wondering if he might have felt like I do?
Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, no beligerence
Narcisistic, drama queen, craving fame and all this decadance
Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here
The Outsider~ A Perfect Circle |
|
|
| yes.... |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|08:36 pm] |
|
How do you make a "preferred" friends list on myspace when viewing a blog? It's only letting me manually type in names, and I have to look them up. There has to be an easier way! |
|
|
| My friend Jim posted this on myspace........ |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|12:41 pm] |
GEORGE CARLIN'S VIEWS ON AGING
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold youback. You jumpto the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your
life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60.
You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92.
"
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
GEORGE CARLIN (1937-2008) |
|
|
| yay!!!!!!!! |
[Jun. 21st, 2008|06:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bedroom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Seaside~ Tori Amos | ] |
Key Key is home!!!!
I put about 200 fliers in mailboxes around my neighborhood, and some posters, and 48 hours she is home. A lady saw a cat on her deck, but didn't really think much about it, until she checked her mail. She called me, and told me where she was. It was only about a block away.
She must have been lost because she was so happy to see me. She chowed down her food.
3 people were outside when I was looking nonstop, and they told me she was seen running very fast at a corner near my house. We just kept getting there to late.
Luckily we have a lake by our house, and lots of trees, so she had water, and shelter!
I am so relieved! Thanks to everyone for the nice comments, and support!!!
ME + KEY KEY = uber excitement!!!! |
|
|
| Please help me!!!This is not a joke!!!! |
[Jun. 20th, 2008|11:35 am] |
please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I live at Peirce and Ponderosa in O'fallon Illinois.
My cat "Key Key" is missing. She has a dark brown face, tail, and paws. Her body is a creamy tan color. Part of her back is saved shorter than the rest of her hair. She is wearing a pink collar with rhinestone/diamonds. Her eyes are very big and blue. She is a inside cat. She is 11 years old.
PLEASE, PLEASE if you have seen her or have her call 618-334-8183 or 618-420-6523.
ASK FOR "JOHNNA"
THERE IS A $100.00 DOLLAR REWARD. No questions asked! PLEASE HELP ME. I KNOW SHE IS SCARED AND HUNGRY!
 |
|
|
| what's with the fascination with the Echelon..... |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|01:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bedroom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Doors | ] |
Nothing new....really. The weather has been awesome, and I feel like I have a little more energy.
I have decided that I am probably going to color over my highlights (like you care). My hairdresser did a horrible job last time, and I look similar to Cruella Deville. No wonder I hate the way I look. It's definitely not worth paying her over $200.00 dollars for doing it anymore. I need a change anyway, but I get so scared that my hair will either fall out or fry off if I do anything else to it. I'm going to chance it anyway.
As I grow older, I have noticed my taste has become much more expensive. I'm looking at things I don't really need, and feeling an overwhelming urge to buy them anyway. I need to get that in check before Chris finds out. He doesn't tell me what I can and can't spend money on, but even I know I don't need half the crap I have been buying.
This for instance http://cgi.ebay.com/NWT-COACH-BLEECKER-RESORT-LG-FLAP-PURSE-HANDBAG-11585_W0QQitemZ300233214481QQihZ020QQcategoryZ63852QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
But, a beautiful purse always makes a girl feel a lot better....
This is definitely a post for the girls.
Kjink, your probably asleep by now!
:) :) :) :) :) |
|
|
| what else is wrong... |
[Jun. 13th, 2008|03:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | fuckville | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | blah.... | ] |
Well, in this fucktastic week, I forgot to post my love for Johnny on his b~day June 9th......
I suck as a human being!
 |
|
|
| old news....I'm lazy..... |
[Jun. 13th, 2008|03:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | who cares | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | fucked up | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Rosetta Stoned"~ TOOL | ] |
Sorry Kjink!
No red dress pictures!!!!! I feel almost flat on my face the day of, while taking Chico Xang to the boarding kennel for the night. F'd up my knee, hand, and shoulder. Totally ruined my red dressness.
All of the pics from my digital, as well as Kara's look like shit from my trip. No, I mean really. Bad lighting, flash issues, and just plain old ugly ass me doesn't make the cut. I think I'm done with pictures. All they do is seriously depress me.
Nobody post any pics of me without asking first! Ok?
Love you! |
|
|
| you got me with my back against the wall.... |
[Jun. 3rd, 2008|04:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Kara's dinning room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Coming Around ~ Cammie Ward | ] |
So, I am leaving Fort Wayne IN. today. I will be in South Bend for 2 days, onto Chicago, and home on Thursday. I love being here, but I am really missing Zen, Chrisp, and my mammals. I've been gone for 16 days. Time to lay on my own pillow. Well, at least one that the cats aren't crashed out on.
Chris said watching Chico Xang, and Baby, is like watching two 3 year old devil children. He needs a break.
Haven't heard much from Zen lately. He's been out with friends a lot, and probably really enjoying his free time.
I've got a ton of pics to post. I will get all of them up when I get home. I forgot my USB cable, so I couldn't upload any until then. I'm looking forward to the train ride on Thursday. It's really relaxing. That is if you don't get stuck across from a bologna eating, farting machine.
I just talked to Zen. He is such a dork. For some reason we got on the subject of Tony the Tiger, and then he started doing all these goofy voices. We were both cracking up. It was good to hear him in an awesome mood. He wants to cut all his hair off when I get home. I was surprised at that, but he is usually impulsive. I'm sure he will have it all grown out by the new school year.
Well, I am about ready to head to South Bend.....I'll talk to you soon!
Love you! |
|
|
| and I forgive you....for being far away for way to long..... |
[May. 29th, 2008|03:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Kara's dinning room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Songs in my head | ] |
Well, I'm in Indy.....Having a great time. The transition from train to train went well, besides the guy who snored, and farted all the time. Not to mention the fact that he was sitting there eating a whole package of garlic bologna plain. Nasty!!!!! I only brought one big suitcase, so much easier than last time. Been really busy since I got here. Tons of fun things to do. The weather has been awesome for the most part.
Have felt kind of down a few times since I got here. Not sure why. Nothing to do with Kara or Brad. Just my usual depression.
Saw the new Indiana Jones. I liked it a lot. Very corney/cheesy in lots of parts, but what the hell I'm a sucker for a good corney movie. I watched "Heavy Metal" last night. I haven't watched it in forever. Crazy watching that cartoon shit now. So outdated, but still the awesomist!
Zen and I have been in good communication. He called me the other night and said "I'm really annoyed with myself. I have to confess I miss you a lot mom." He tries to play so hard, but I know how sweet he can be. A lot of people (including some of Zen's friends) tell him he is mean and impatient with me. He is a lot of the time, and I have no excuse for it. I'm not sure what goes through his mind sometimes. He is so hard to read. If only I could see what he truly thinks about me. Maybe, I don't really want to know. I have been trying to live up to his expectations, but it seems no matter what a lot of the time it's never enough. I just feel him slipping away sometimes, but I do know he cares about me.
Been listening to a lot of new music lately. I find myself getting close to tears a lot of time. I'm going through something really difficult. I have been for a while, but lately it's been on my mind a lot more. It's amazing how things come back around sometimes. I think this time it is harder. It's not so final, and that leaves me with "what if" running through my mind over and over. I even had a dream about "it" last night. It's so crazy how you can almost reach out and touch things when you are dreaming. I want to feel "that" way again sometimes. It will never happen, so I just keep what I can close to my heart as much as I can. Sometimes, I just want it to never end, but the truth is it's already over.......
Well, we are going out for Italian tonight, so I have to get ready. Not a lot else to say anyway. Just one of those days.....
Sometimes I'm just spinning around
what happened to the solace
the comfort that kept me bound
in this bitter world as I know it
~Johnna
excerpt from one of my songs........ |
|
|
| I am so stressed.... |
[May. 14th, 2008|10:04 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bedroom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
Tomorrow is the big party. I have so much to do today. I have a hair appt. at 1:00, nails at 2:30, and tanning at 4:00. Then I have to go to Wal Mart and buy Baby his own crate because he is jealous of Chico's. And finally, I have to go out and find a necklace to go with my dress. I've been looking forever!!!!!
Tomorrow, I have to bring both dogs to the kennel for boarding (yes, I know we are only going to be gone one night, but I can't count on Zen to take care of them). I then have to drive (omg) to down town St. Louis to the hotel, where I will most likely have a major meltdown, and get lost!
Never fails!
But, in wonderful news I went from the 130 to 124 pounds, and now my red dress looks like the BOMB!!!
I'll take pics!
LOVE YOU GUYS! |
|
|
| Chico Xang is the bomb~ |
[May. 12th, 2008|01:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bedroom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  dorky | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | some Taco Bell commercial | ] |
Nothing really new. Zen got his glasses, and he looks so fing cute in them. He said that he can see a lot better now. He only has like 2 weeks of school left. I can believe he will be a senior next year. He's really serious about looking into college. I can't believe how motivated he is. He takes school, and his writing very seriously. He actually hugged me on Mother's Day...can you believe it!
Well my trip to Chicago/Indiana is on May 20th. I am really excited. I have been shopping non stop. I'll be the first one to be bitching about my amount of luggage, and my lack of coordination skills won't help me either. Last time I dropped all my luggage in the middle of traffic.
People in Chicago are assholes......
Thursday, Chrispy and I are going to "black tie" work party. I can't wait to be spoiled. I have four days to fit into my red dress. God, please help me.
Well, that's it. I know I am really boring, but you love me <3 |
|
|
| but I know dad. the ice is getting thin... |
[May. 3rd, 2008|04:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bedroom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hanna Montana ( just joking) | ] |
I know it's been forever...A lot has been going on. Nothing fabtastic, well except for Chico Xang.
He is the sweetest pup. I already love him, but I will admit he is a huge handful. It was so easy with Baby and the kits, but he's more like having a "toddler." He's well worth it, though.
I'll be leaving for Chicago/Fort Wayne on May 20. I will be spending a couple weeks with my Kara, Bradberry, and the "brats." Much fun I must say. I really need a break. I've been in and out of "good and bad" lately. It's such a roller coaster.
I have this evil infatuation with Tom Cruise. It helps me feel better when I know there is someone more seriously fucked up than I am. He is such a kook. I had never seen the "Oprah couch scene" until the other day. I must say he's fucking lost it. Xenu come take him away.
I haven't been working on my book at all lately. I have to get this serious surge of energy and inspiration to move on. It just hasn't happened in a while.
Chris is hosting a big fancy work party on the 15th. I bought a really hot red dress. We are staying at a really nice hotel. They are having a ton of Champagne, so you know I will be there. I think I will pass on the lamb! People are so cruel! I want to take lots of pics. I haven't taken any good ones of myself in forever. It's quite depressing. Getting older sucks. There is no other way to put it.
Things are the same with Zen. I might get a smart ass excuse out of him, but that is pretty much where the conversation ends. I don't want to elaborate anymore, because I will get that "oh, he's just a teenager" shit you guys always give me! It appears that things are going well with his dad. He doesn't really say a lot about it.
Things are good with Chrispy. We both got new cars, and I got a gym/tanning package for Mother's day. Ok, I know it's early, but I am a spoiled brat and just "had" to have it now.
Misty took me to lunch the other day. I had a lot of fun, and I always have a great time when we are together. We're going to start walking together, possibly. So I will see her a lot more.
Kara, I plan on getting on the phone first thing Monday looking for a therapist.
I guess, that's it. Well, except for the fact that Chico Xang has some serious gas! Anyone know a good remedy? I think I really just might puke.
Here's pics of my knew pup....and yes, just for the record Baby hates him!
Oh, and either this pup has something wrong with his legs or he is just a dork. I always wind up weird ones! :)
 |
|
|
| ride on, ride on, friends of the black swan |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|02:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bedroom | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Purple People" ~TORI AMOS | ] |
Today is my "real" (ha) moms b~day.
I wonder if that crazy ass, cruel bitch is still breathing.....
I know I sure don’t give a fuck! |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
yaosgirl4life's journal
thankful
aggravated
